Mental Health Before Marriage

So I wrote this blog post yesterday at midnight, and then accidentally deleted it.


*inhale* .....*exhale*


It's okay, it's probably The Ghost of Old Desi Aunty, who is offended by what I have to say anyway.


So I'm gonna say it again. (Take that Ghost of Old Desi Aunty). So I'm twenty-four years old. I have curly hair. I have dark skin. I am pulse sized. I don't know how to cook. And I run a Henna Business (like a boss). Basically, I am far from being an ideal Indian girl. According to The Ghost of Old Desi Aunty, I should be looking for a husband because I am "of age" and "my biological clock is ticking" (yeah, well so is my freedom clock, but thats another story for another time) and it's going to take years for me to find a suitable match."


Yes, The Ghost of Old Desi Aunty actually exists...


So everyone I spoke to, told me that my biological time clock is ticking, but y'all what is a biological time clock? I googled it.


Google said, "biological time clocks have to do with circadian rhythms, female age, and female fertility"


😑At first, I was triggered, and then I thought about it and realized that this was only 50% of the deal.


Let me take a step back by saying, millennials have reached a different level of life. We're headed towards becoming more self aware, more spiritual, and more accepting than previous generations. Basically, we are headed towards living life with more intention and purpose than ever before. Which is great. Like mental health is a thing now.

But being the go getters we have kind of learned to turn off the emotional systems within us, our relationships have become more virtual, and we don't know what touch is anymore. Because of our massive content intake our generation is becoming more and more depressed- and we recognize this and we have taken a step back to heal everything that is going on inside.


So Ghost of Old Desi Aunty, we want relationships, but we need healthy relationships even more. We need to know how to process our emotions, and how to effectively communicate with others, before we even think about getting married. So even though our bodies have reached the point where it is ideal to produce a baby, our mental health isn't quite there.


In fact, research shows that emotional intelligence in relationships result in more successful relationships. And it's not just me saying random sh*t to get out of marriage, I have factual evidence. According to Dr. Nicola Schutte, and her people, emotionally intelligent people are better at taking perspective. They're better at reading other's emotions, understanding and regulating their own emotions, to understand that their thoughts create their emotions thus making them more aware about their emotional state and even controlling their thought, and last and most importantly emotionally intelligent people understand the connection between their actions and other's emotional reactions. (Dr. Elizabeth Dorrance Hall). So, when we have better emotional intelligent skills we are better are navigating through our relationships, and it we are more aware with about of mental state.



I don’t understand why we are suppose to all of a sudden be ready to dedicate our lives to some guy and his family in our 20s. For the first 20 years of our lives we’re suppose listen to our family. They get to decide where we will work, who we can and can’t talk to, where we can and can't go, who are friends will be. And for the next 4ish year of our life The Ghost of Old Desi Aunty possesses our loved ones and we hear things like:


“Get married now if we start looking now it will take a year to two years to find someone for you,”


“Who’s gonna marry you? You cant cook.”


“You have a gorgeous smile, if only you had lighter skin, drink less chai.” (because apparently tea consumption increases melatonin in our bodies 🙄)


“Oh what pretty eyes, just lose weight, your prince charming will walk right into your life.”


or my favorite,


“You know how to do everything, cooking, cleaning, you’re spiritual, but just keep your curly hair tied back and lose weight so that the right partner can come into your life.”


What if I wear a sari everyday, will the money in my bank account increase?



Do you see the shade that we throw to our girls? We grow up feeling less than, our entire lives and then we’re expected to create a loving, and prosperous family where everyone is nourished. But what about the fact that we have been malnourished for most of our lives.


Why don't we teach our girls that they don't have to sacrifice their life and happiness before they're ready to, and that they have to learn to take care of themselves before they take care of anyone else. (Put your oxygen mask on before you help another person with theirs)


Why don’t we teach our boys chivalry, loyalty, respect, love, honestly, that a woman is so much more than an object, that she deserves your love and attention. I don't ever hear any one tell their boy,


“How will you take care of your wife? You don’t make enough.”


“Oh, your resume looks great, I just wish that you could buy a 3 bed room, 3.5 bath house with a big back yard and pool?”


“Oh you’ve got so much money, I just wish you knew how to treat a woman.”


Why don’t we teach our kids emotional intelligence so they can learn to work through their emotions instead of suppressing them until the glass bottle explodes and the pieces end up doing damage that can't be undone. If marriage is the one thing in our life that should be done by a certain age, then why cant we teach our kids the necessary skills that can be used in building and maintaining strong healthy relationships.


Yeah, there is a biological time clock, where there’s an ideal age that the body is ready to start a family, but what about the emotional intelligence needed to maintain a healthy relationship, what about the love and honesty needed in a relationship, what about the respect and the dedication, communication and commitment, what about the mentality, that if something is broken we fix it, not throw it away.



*sigh*


You know what Ghost of Old Desi Aunty , Yes I'm a horrible person that is putting words in this generations ears, but I am not going to live my life by some check list. If the universe wanted me to be some kind of child producing machine then I wouldn't have the ability to reason, and I wouldn't have the ability to feel emotions.


At the end of the day I want to henna a group of women who understand this importance of mental health and emotional intelligence. I want engage with more emotionally intelligent brides, because I know that they are going to be able to help nurture their own life, relationships and future generations, and if you're reading this because you're already in a relationship or married, that doesn't mean that its too late for you, it's never too late to put you first, but each day you decide to put someone else first, you subconsciously tell yourself that you are not worthy of being your own priority, and you and I both know that's not true.

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© 2019 by Mamta Rana

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